Ok I get it..... Just cuz you're fucking me raw doesn't mean you want me to have your child........ Ok I get it, I was partly responsible too........ Ok I get it, I shoulda suggested or inquired about a condom....... And yea I can admit...... I knew I didn't want you to use one anyway....... And yea I can admit .......... that this aint the best situation for either of us right now........ BUT YOU shouldn't had acted like you didn't mind me getting pregnant when you was cummin in me. We're BOTH to blame. But yea I can admit ......... that maybe I just like the thought of being tied to you forever because of how I feel NOW! Even though "FOREVER" and "NOW" are on two opposite ends of the spectrum....... BUT...... Just understand THIS...... I aint a robot.... Don't ship me off to the abortion clinic like I'm not human... So what I don't want a child right now anyway, do you KNOW how bad it feels for someone who helped you make it tell you they don't want one? DON'T suggest me to get rid of it... I was gonna anyway... BUT DON'T encourage me.... And the only reason I'm gonna get rid of it is because I understand that I'd only be hurting myself by tryna prove a point to you. BUT don't you DARE suggest it... If you ONLY knew how it feels to be in my position...Waiting for this period that I KNOW is late but I'm in such denial that I'm blaming it on stress, the weather, the price of gas...... And I'm cramping so I'm telling myself that the shit is about to come but now I'm two weeks late and that shit is STILL MISSING... So now I'm too cheap to buy the $20 pregnancy test but swear these THREE .99 cent ones are wrong cuz they say "positive".... And it can't be right cuz they're only .99 cents.... So now how the hell do I tell YOU? I'm just scared of your response... Cuz I've heard some horror stories.... Don't nobody wanna hear "you keeping it?" " Is it mine?" "Shit!" "Fuck" " I aint ready for a baby" " How you got pregnant?" " I thought you was on birth control" "Don't tell nobody"...... Not that I want you to seem happy about it and lay the guilt trip on me... Mannnnn I don't know what I want you to say... I guess just say you'll be there for me and with me no matter the decision. That'll feel a lot better. But I guess you shouldn't even say that if you really don't mean it.... Mannn. I don't know what I want you to say. And the crazy part about it is that pregnancy is so mental... The minute you KNOW for sure, all the symptoms are maximized... Nauseas, sharp pains, tender breasts, hunger, cravings, etc... So now you're thinking I'm over exaggerating my "condition" but now that I know, its natural for me to feel like a "Mommy." And the crazy part about it is that you being too nice to me makes me wanna keep it.. And you being too mean to me makes me wanna keep it... Cuz you rubbing my belly makes me feel close to you... Or you telling me it aint yours makes me wanna prove it to you. But regardless of what, I feel like WE have a BOND together. And even though I don't want to keep it, I don't wanna let go of this tie to you... but you definitely don't feel the same way.... BUT my friends will never know that because ima tell them you're cool with me being pregnant cuz they're not about to make me look stupid for staying with you after you encouraged me to get an abortion.........
So now I'm in the abortion clinic.... Starving cuz I couldn't eat since last night... The girl sitting next to me on the right is crying her eyes out...... The man across the room got watery eyes.... The girl going in the bathroom got a full blown stomach.... And all of these people are reminding me of why I'm here and I'm second guessing everything now. I really DON'T want to be here... And whether YOU are there or not, YOU are not going inside... And even though I don't want this baby.... I hate that I feel like I'm letting YOU off easy... But in reality... You'll never really feel what I'm feeling so tryna prove a point to you, is only hurting myself... And I keep saying it because I have to keep reminding myself of it. Cuz the BITCH in me wants to keep it just to make you be just as stressed as me... But the WOMAN in me knows that a baby don't keep a man. And its sad because seeing that sonogram makes me wanna see what our child is gonna look like... But seeing the sonogram lets me know how real this is and its just not the best thing for me right now. Cuz if you decide to leave me or die... I don't wanna do this alone... So ima go through with this because I'm actually tryna protect my child from a certain life... And even though I can't protect them from everything... Ima protect them from parents that didn't want them... And its hurts cuz this is permanent and no matter if I have 10 kids afterwards, I'm never gonna know what THIS one looks like or could have been... But ima just pray that I'm responsible enough to NEVER make this mistake again... And from here on out, I'm ONLY having sex with someone I can see myself having a child with... Cuz I aint coming back to the abortion clinic.... NEVER.... EVER....
You got it right on the nose, like this is it!!!exactly what us females go through
ReplyDeleteYou couldnt have written that any better its as real as its gonna get sad but true #selfworth
DeleteYes! Been there done that. Shit brought tears to my eyes
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 19 I had my first abortions. Years later I had 4 (by the same man). Unfit regret for a second what I did, and I'm glad I never had any children with him. Now, yrs later that same nigga is still on my line begging me or another chance. I kind of hate him now. So, in my case everything happened for a reason. Now, I use condoms religiously and now is in my second long term relationship.
ReplyDeleteMannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! Pt.2 Should be what to expect from him when you get home with your lil packet of pills lol
ReplyDeleteTypo .... I meant to write I DON'T regret what I did. Anyway, as years went on I learned. And it will NEVER HAPPEN again. Having abortions suck.
ReplyDeleteI had 2 read this 2x because this is what really goes on, I thought I was the only 1 feeling like this, def cried just thinking about what I went through, makes me want to call him up and curse him out
ReplyDeleteI actually just did the same thing.
DeleteThis is exactly what I went through when I was 17 , 2 years ago ...it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and I'm crying reading this. It made it worse that I was supposed to be an abortion myself and then I had to go through it
ReplyDeleteRight on point. The fact that you went step by step into made it seem like it was actually happening to the reader NOW. Keep these blogs coming. I love them! OMG!
ReplyDeleteI never had the abortion...the test was false thank God.. but when I broke the news I was told by the man i loved with every piece of my heart who "didn't believe in abortions" and "couldn't think of makin his girl do something like that"...that he wasn't ready for a baby....every piece of respect I had for him left my body with every word that came out of his mouth smh
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Im glad I found you, its so sad what us young women go through.
ReplyDeleteCutty YOU ROCK. I was emotional as hell days leading to this appt. He was threatening to kill me if I changed my mind. Its hard to explain I dnt want it but its hard for me to do this. Im gonna because I knw I have to but I dnt want to. I'm gonna make sure he reads this
ReplyDeleteHunni pray about it, cause like the blog says...u cant take it back. Please dont alllow a ma. To threaten ur life because ur undecided if u wanna take one. If hes forcing u to do anything, hes not worth u wasting ur time and askin him to read this or anything else. Let his behind go
DeleteWow this hit home big time. I read this while wiping tears away. Guys always think it's such a simple decision for women to make. We are left with so much guilt and pain. Wondering if we made the right choice and never forgetting the day it took place as the anniversary approaches but there is no child to blow out the candles. While you go home to ur living child from a previous relationship, ask you over n over again for a little brother or sister not knowing their mother just ended what could have been.... thank you for giving us a voice. Love u lady. You always speak the truth
ReplyDeleteCutty, you nailed this one. I haven't been in that situation myself, but I gave a baby up for adoption when I was 16. My bestie had an abortion about a year ago and I went through all these emotions and thoughts with her. I still have the sonogram picture of her baby because she told me she couldn't look at it anymore and to keep it forever. Being her source of support was emotional enough for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's a true emotional roller coaster and something that females shouldn't have to go through as much as we do.
This was a great post, im glad to see that im not the only one who got emotional reading this and thinking back to that day about 9 yrs ago. It seem like it took me 5 or 6 to really forgive myself. And I did vow that I never wanted to go back there ever. But am I the only one that feels God won't bless me with a baby now, because of that choice? Oh well keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteDamn. I've never had an abortion but I'm pregnant now and seriously considered one and my dude was more for the abortion than not and couldn't understand my mixed emotions. *sigh* this shit was too real man. It conveyed every mixed emotion and had it not been for the fact that I prayed & prayed some more & knew that I never could forgive myself if I went through with it. I just cried. Woman deal with so much
ReplyDeleteDamn!!!!! I had my first abortion at 14. Then 2 more by the same man at 19. And another at 24. Men are so triflin and ridiculous when it comes to facing reality and stepping up.
ReplyDeleteBut you didn't step up either because you had 2 more abortions, which adds up to 3 total all for the same guy! I'm not judging but you can't talk about men when you're going the same thing that they are doing!
DeleteI mean 4 total abortions....*doing
DeleteAs I was reading this tears flow fall from my eyes and my thoughts went back to my abortion. Those exact thoughts went through my head. Even though it I wouldn't change nor repeat history the thought "what if" goes through my brain. I really appreciate you writing this. Im glad that im not the only one with such burdens on their heart.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was real. No judgement, but as I read some of the comments I couldn't help to wonder why do some women keep having abortions for a man who doesn't want or isn't ready for children? Feel free to respond.
ReplyDeleteWooooow.. definitely can relate
ReplyDeletetears in my eyes... story of my life right now but i cant make the decision to have a abortion so i'm going thru with my pregnancy scared, afraid & looking forward to the single mom life all at the same time
ReplyDeleteHere I am...reading this a 3rd time...& for the 1st time, i cried abt my abortion...& this happened yrs ago...the guy was my high school sweetheart...we were suppose to do all the puppy love stuff we promised each other...like get married & have kids...but the baby came before the ring...& i was left there stuck with OUR mistake inside of me...i had to grow up fast...i was still a kid & had to make a "grown-up" decision...& he didnt feel my pain...tht shit hurts physically, mentally, & emotionally...& financially when u're that young...you really said something that a lot of women are still afraid to talk about...! i commend u!!! Kudos to you, Cutty!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a man that has been thru the abortion process with an ex..I feel what you ladies have gone thru...I told her at the time she told me she was pregnant..I have 3 kids already & u don't have any..I will support u no matter what u wanna do...if u keep it I'm cool..if u abort it I'm cool...that wasn't what she wanted to hear..the day of the abortion I was running late..I got there and didn't see her..in my mind I was ok...but my conscious was hoping that she ran late as well..they took her early..as they released her & came she out to the lobby woozy..I started to cry becuz it was at that moment that I wanted to tell her "I WANTED her & our baby"...I nvr felt right since that day..I robbed her of the chance to be a "mommy" & we were nvr the same after that..how I wish I had of opened my mouth then...
ReplyDeleteMarry me ?
DeleteShut up smut. I would never marry you.
Deleteniceeeeee..... glad i have nvr been preganant tho
ReplyDeleteAbortions are wrong, period. I love how u all bond, like the shit is cool. Any woman that even concidered the idea of getting an abortion is a disgusting whore and should be hung. I think under ONLY in extreme circumatances should abortion should be even allowed. Babies are shoes or non of the other materialistic shit u young dumb bitches are use to dealing with. It's a life. A breathing, beating, vibrant life. It's appalling, hearing all the war stories u all share about ur experiences. All because u don't like the man ur trifling, dirty ass laid down with!? Grow the fuck up!! Next time choose ur sex partner based off of better qualities than how cute he is or how fresh he is it how much u love his tatts and u wouldn't have to deal with this. U have to deal with people u can't stand everyday. What if the guy is a good guy and the "baby mom" ain't shit? The can't up and just say whelp I'm gonna get rid of this one and try again with a more qualified canidate. He has to deal with it. What makes u above that? Nothing. People that support abortion and have had one for less than extremely good reasons, such as rape, are human waste. U deserve every tear that drips down ur heartless face. Nothing is valuable in this world anymore, not even LIFE.
ReplyDeleteYou're either a man or a woman that's never been pregnant or has kids. Do us all a favor and keep your negative, insulting and ignorant comments to yourself. People that say judgemental rude shit like this is the reason woman are afraid to voice their feelings on this topic! If u feel that way about abortions don't come take shots at everyone else because u don't know. And you can never speak on anything you haven't been thru
DeleteYou're either a man or a woman that's never been pregnant or has kids. Do us all a favor and keep your negative, insulting and ignorant comments to yourself. People that say judgemental rude shit like this is the reason woman are afraid to voice their feelings on this topic! If u feel that way about abortions don't come take shots at everyone else because u don't know. And you can never speak on anything you haven't been thru
DeleteSince u dont believe in abortions, I assume u dont abelieve in the death penalty. And since ur so AGAINST this horrible act, I assume youve never done anythig wrong. Or anything u regret. Gtfoh. Did u know that doctors are advised NOT TO try to save a child that was born earlier than 23/24 weeks? Anywho, these ppl never said they were proud of their decisions. No one is perfect. You sound like a fool.
DeleteFirst of all, who the fuck do you think you are to say anything about what these women went thru?! Get ya lame ass pro choice ass the fuck up outta here. If you not gonna say something supportive then shut the fuck up! Ya moms should've aborted you or swallowed ya ass!
DeleteFirst of all, who the fuck do you think you are to say anything about what these women went thru?! Get ya lame ass pro choice ass the fuck up outta here. If you not gonna say something supportive then shut the fuck up! Ya moms should've aborted you or swallowed ya ass!
DeleteI had one. And I didn't shed a tear. NEXT!
ReplyDeleteThats cause ur trifling!!!!!
DeleteNo Bitch!!! Cause I knew it was the RIGHT thing for me!
DeleteThis is a hella good read in which manyyyyy women can relate... Smh... Damn, that guilt trip is noooooo joke tho... But anyhoot!!! Loving this blog & looking forward to reading the next one Cutty...:-)
ReplyDeleteI've never had an abortion but I can relate to this because these are the same thoughts I had when I was pregnant & deciding whether or not to get an abortion. At times I wish I did ot regretting my child but for the reason that I brought her into this world without being able to comfortably provide for her & knowing she was going to be born without a father in her life . I love post Cutty. Thank u for speaking out to every female in all of ur post , cause now ladies don't feel so lonely like they are the only ones who are going thru certain things & also won't feel so guilty about the choices they've made in life.
ReplyDeleteYu Cnt judge a person on a situation that yu have never been threw b4... I dnt agree with abortions but at the same time I have never been in the position either so I have no idea wat I would do... This post was great it opened my eyes on some things and I really feel bad for the females that has had 2 go threw that... I personally feel stronger about ppl having children that they dnt want and the child is not getting treated right
ReplyDeletei myself has never had an abortion, but i have had friends go through this same thing. its sad to see someone do such a thing and i could never understand it until now. i will NEVER get an abortion, but what you had to go through i would not wish on any woman.
ReplyDeleteI experienced this and I'm still hurt by the decision I had to make. He told me he didn't need anymore kids right now and turned around a year later and had a baby with someone else. I hate him with every part of my heart!! But I think I made the best decision for my unborn child. Great blog and I admire your courage to write this!!
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother of 4 that has never had an abortion..(Almost did with my first but thank every day I didnt)..I truly cannot understand how women go through this. Abortions are not a form of birth control...and for us woman to just not have control of our bodies is horrible. Prepare ya self, go on birth control or use a condom and you wouldn't have to go through this horrible experience.
ReplyDeleteI tried to read this to my boyfriend but I decided not to because I knew reading it out loud I wouldnt be able to get through even half of the blog without becoming an emotional wreck. I have been belittled and criticized for my choice to have 2 abortions. One was medical the other was by my own choosing. I had help making that choice and pretty much everything you went through in your mind I went through in mine. I kept telling myself "I am not the only person who went through this and other people have felt the same way". To have you verfiy that here just made me feel a little better to know I was right in feeling like im not the first or the last. For making me feel like Im not a terrible person for being unsure and scared and making a hasty life decision out of that fear and confusion. Thank you for easing my guilt just a little.
ReplyDeleteI hate when people assume just because you have an abortion your using it as a form of birth control. Boo boo I got pregnant twice while ON birth control. Congrats on your four kids you made your choice and that's fantastic. I on the other hand don't see myself being someone's baby mama. You think you should be congratulated because u decided to have your kids? How many different baby daddies do you have? Do you struggle ever month? Are you on welfare? Yeah that don't sound to appealing to me. Yeah you had your kids but if you are a single parent raising them 4 kids the chances of your kids being in prison, or pregnant are raised. So high five girl! You living the life...while I am able to learn from my mistakes and live the life you probably will never even have.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you!!!
DeleteShe stated her situation and how she felt without name calling or belittling anyone's situation and I agree with her. Maybe you're still bitter about what you did by the way you lashed out. After all you did end up snuffing out your child's life instead of birthing and taking care of it whether you struggled or not. Another option would have been giving it to someone else to raise and take care of. Facts are facts.
DeleteWow this post was really emotional. I've never had an abortion, or even been pregnant for that matter, but the situation leading up to the pregnancy and abortion hits home for me. This post and the comments really made me think twice about my irresponsible and reckless behavior. I would never want to be in this situation and have to make the hard choice that the ladies commenting have had to make. Definitely no judgement here. I could only imagine how difficult that decision was for you to make. God bless
ReplyDeleteThis is very eye-opening especially for someone who has never had one and is not anti-abortion. Thank you for the perspective. I think the moral of this story is to do better, not to praise the idea of aborting. To the person who called people human waste and whores, your mother should be embarassed. Lets not forget that wrong is wrong. Your sharp, disrespectful, demeaning attitude is equivalent to taking a life. I hope that you are not a parent and if you are, that you are not teaching your children to be as cold as you. Maybe you should re-read the post, particularly the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI never had to get an abortion but you took me to a place where I can understand what women go through in this position. I love everything you do. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteAbortion IS murder. Why punish the child because you made a mistake??? I hope each and every woman who has killed their baby cries nightly and has nightmares. I hope all of you regret this each and every moment YOU are breathing. Think about this? What if your mother had an abortion?? Abortion should be illegal and looked at no differently than killing a child when it's born. Sick fucks. Get on birth control!!!!!! Use condoms!!! If you really don't want your baby, Give it to someone who
ReplyDeleteDoes.
Nope I don't cry nightly I sleep fine....and I was on birth control too. Next time I get pregnant and I don't want to keep it i will have it and drop it on your doorstep. :-)
DeleteI got pregnant on birth control as well. I was in my last year of high school but I guess I was supposed to struggle through it & risk not graduating to have a baby I didn't want nor could I do anything for. Cause that would've made me a good person right? Or I should've struggled through my last year & risked not graduating to carry the child for 9 months then drop it off on someone else or have it live the wonderful life of a foster child...cause that would've been the noble thing to do right?? Or maybeeee I could've had it then resented the decision everyday of my life & take it out on my child like SO many parents I see way too often...cause that's a healthy life for a child right?? Problem is half of you "pro lifers" have never been in any type of situation like this so you have no idea what it's like which makes it so easy for you to judge. You don't agree with it, good for you..don't YOU fuckin do it then but don't you DARE insult those of us that do.
DeleteWhile reading this post, I felt the tears falling, I went through an abortion a year ago, and @ the tine I was confused and hurt, I couldn't understand how the man who claimed to Love me was giving me the cold shoulder, not wanting to speak to me and when we finally did speak he could only say "Whatever u want to do" which really meant I don't want a kid but I don't want to come right out and say it to you. A man will never know how it feels to go through that, while being pushed to the operating room having tears in your eyes and doctors and nurses looking @ you with judgmental eyes..... After that experience I swore to myself not to be in that situation again, it's funny bc exactly 6 months later he had another kid, I was hurt to say the least but when I really think about it I thank God every night I dogged that bullet!!!! I can't lie though every now and again I think about how Our child would have looked, or what kind of mother I would have been, but I know when I'm truly ready I will b a great mother who wants the child just as much as I do.... Thanks Cutty for this blog
ReplyDeleteAlthough I've never had an abortion, I think as a young lady, it's always difficult to make certain decisions when it comes to pregancy and that's single, engaged, married, young, old, or divorced. I appreciated it because it changed the whole "women use abortions as birth control" theory. I think it's too easy for a pro-life (which I am) to say, "just give it up for adoption" because we all know that black babies aren't wanted. Abortion may be murder, but it's important to realize that all women (and girls) are in different stages in their lives. I will be slightly judgmental and say that more than one abortion is ridiculous especially since you know where babies come from and can easily prevent them with tying tubes (which can be untied), condoms, and birth control. Everyone is allowed a slip-up, but after that, it's being triflin. Excuse any typos you may find
ReplyDeleteWow those were my exact emotions over 6 years ago. Everything you said was the absolute truth. Having an abortion is the most responsible and simultaneously fucked up decision a WOMAN can make.
ReplyDeleteAbortion should never be used as a form of birth control but we all make mistakes; such is life.
Life goes on but trust it definitely gets harder too. Only the strong survive.
everything i felt when i was going threw this, im in tears
ReplyDeleteWell... I'm pregnant now;happily with my first child. However, if a sound decision wasn't made by both parents to keep it, it would've been aborted. I support abortion 100%. Adoption/foster care have so many draw backs that could leave your kid(s) in way worse situations than being aborted, not to sound harsh. Anyway, how could you live with yourself knowing you have a kid out there longing to know you, feeling thrown away, unwanted, less than? To me, that's a bit more cold hearted than abortion. The first solution IS responsible sex! But since we ARE human.... Things are gonna happen, mistakes will be made. Abortion is definitely the responsible, sensible and strong way to handle it. Being only 8 weeks, if something happened to where I just knew I shouldn't bring a child into this world, I'd do what I have to do. It would hurt like hell, of course.... But it would be in the best interest of my child.
ReplyDeleteThis blog really hit home for me and plenty others I see. My situation is a bit different because my BF wanted to actually have it even though we both weren't financially secure. So I decided not to and still feel guilty over it. We had so many problems as a couple that I knew we weren't ready to be parents. We are still together and will have our baby when the time is right for both of us. I refuse to raise a child in struggle.
ReplyDeleteTo the ignorant person..since you're pro-life..you should do your research because it's not breathing on its own until its at least 3 months along...that's why the dr.'s say to you "if you're farther than 3 months I wldnt do it"...and the cutoff is I believe 3 1/2 months maybe 4 months...how can u judge the women for having abortions when as a man I can admit some of us show our ass after we've gotten the "goods"..you're ignorance is mind boggling but u probably had one & the dad SHITTED on u & now you're bitter ass wants to forget it EVER happened...
ReplyDeleteI agree but you can get an abortion up to 24 weeks of five months
DeleteThis is passport Cutty ... I want to thank everyone who commented. Even the people who disagree with abortion. Maybe their harsh words will encourage everyone to be more responsible. Including myself .
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome to the people who this blog did help. Share it with others so they know they're not alone. The blog was not condoning abortion. Nor expecting pity or empathy. It was soley to be the voice of a woman who's been in this situation. Especially because it doesn't seem like some people are brave enough to speak on it or know how to describe it fully. That's what I'm here for. Use me as the scapegoat. I'll talk about it. Judge me.
It might not make sense to you for someone to have more than one abortion by the same guy, but you're not in their shoes. The first time my best friend had an abortion, the scenario was just like the one in your blog. However, the second time she got pregnant by him it was because he decided that he wanted to bust in her and get her pregnant, and then when she actually got pregnant he changed his mind and he and his mother pressured her into getting another abortion and took advantage of the emotional rollercoaster that pregnancy brings by abusing her mentally. She was also 17 at the time, so it made it even worse.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say BRAVO!!!
ReplyDeleteYou expressed exactly what I felt. I knew in my heart that it was the right decision to a bad situation. Funny thing, is that I was on birth control when this happened. I was used to having little to no period that I didn't think anything of it until I woke up one day and was nauseous on and off that day. I could not even fucking believe it. I took 5 $16 pregnancy test, plus one at the campus clinic. I was floored. I started noticing everything. Even certain scents were abhorrent to me.
I told him right after I had my first sonogram. This man had THE nerve to ask was it his when we'd been together since I was 19 years old. I knew then that he was not the one for me. I actually wanted my child, but I did not want to be tied to a loser all my life. I was up on the very last week I could even have an abortion by the time I actually got one. Since then, I don't have sex with someone who I can't see myself having children with AND potentially marrying. I also take my birth control pills at the SAME time, every single day. Lesson learned. I still think about it every now and again. No one even knew I was pregnant but me & him (outside of the doctors). I went through that shit totally alone and do not ever want to go there again.
I just sat here and read what you wrote. And I will completely honest from the first words that were written… my heart stopped. I literally wanted to cuss out loud and ask who in the FUCK told some random person my story. And then upon reading the comments I felt sense of common-ness with the women that had to make this life choice. Which I am upset that someone had the ability to write that it was an option that a REAL woman would take lightly, because it isn’t.
ReplyDeleteWhatever else you want to say about the choice to have sex unprotected and you knew the risk etc etc… at the time those are not the things that are running through your mind. Or maybe it was. My personal story isn’t like that. The choice to have sex without a condom was a spur of the moment thing… a friendship that turned into a one-night stand that turned into an unofficial relationship. But through that entire situation one thing was the same—unprotected sex. But it was not unprotected on my part, and maybe that should have been the first clue that I was on my own in any type of responsibility. But anyways, months pass… changes in the relationship, changes in the demands in two peoples lives, lead to gaps in the times that we hooked up or got together. And one drunken night it happened… Instead of pulling out.. he just didn’t. Now looking back on it, its easy to twist this into meaning that by him doing that he was ready to make that commitment to me. But nonetheless, I got the morning after pill because in my head I HAD PLANS. And none of those plans included a child that I had not planned. And I continued on with life.
Then it happened again.
What does that mean you may ask? I was not smarter this time? I didn’t go get back on my birth control after I realized that I was going to be with this person regularly again? And the answer is… No. I made the appointment but our next meeting was to soon to get to the doctor….
Anyways… fast forward a few weeks. I went to the doctor for my appointment and what does this insane lady tell me?? “We cant give you BC again because you are pregnant…” Lemme tell you about my heart dropping palms getting sweaty, and the feeling that literally your life is over. But I had a plan. I scheduled the abortion appointment for the next open slot; I know that sounds rash or fast. But the thought was that in the end… this child’s life will depend on ME more than anyone else. A man has the ability to decide that they will only contribute financially to a child and will not be part of the raising of the child. But its rare that a woman has that same option.
So here comes the part that KILLED me and the respect that I still had for this man that I loved… I was a chicken. I sent the information in a text message. I was simple and clear about what I wanted to say to him; that it was a situation that I had taken care of, and I think I just wanted to hear an “Im sorry I put you in this position. I am sorry that I made you have to make this choice” but I didn’t get that. Instead I got an almost accusation, like I had put myself in this position myself, or that I was asking for anymore than that. Id like to thank you for showing people who haven’t been through this situation that it isn’t something that anyone is able to take lightly and it affects us in ways that most people don’t or wont understand
I'm pregnant right now and reading this totally blew me away. I've had an abortion by my current boyfriend before so this is our 2nd time dealing with this. We've been together for years, and are actually very close, but his reaction to my pregnancy was a complete 360 change. Now I'm questioning whether or not to keep it b/c who I thought 3 wks ago I would marry one day, now can't even look me in the eye. Shit is real, my baby has a heartbeat but I'm being encouraged to have an abortion. I'm so happy to know I'm not alone, and this blog has empowered me to pray and really make the right decision for myself and my unborn. Thank you Cutty. You gave a voice to a lot of women who are silenced by this situation. xox
ReplyDeleteI went through this once. It was very hard and no one but me and him and his dad know about it. I can't tell my friends or family, especially not now. So I pretend it didn't happen. We tried to stay together afterwards but everything was different.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the hardest part was the sonogram, because they couldn't find a heart beat. Which means I probably would have miscarried anyway. That made me feel like even if I had wanted to keep it, my body would have....failed. I went through with the abortion so I wouldn't have to miscarry at home, alone. But all I keep thinking is that my baby died inside me.....
Sigh, sorry for the long comment, just never had a chance to tell my story, thank you.
I've never had an abortion. I don't technically agree with it, but I believe that you don't judge people until you've walked in their situation. What I read here felt like two miles. Al the e,options that go into this are just crazy. I feel for anybody who has or will have to make this decision.
ReplyDeleteAll the emotions I meant.
ReplyDeleteI am 4 months pregnantright now and my abortion is scheduled for Monday, every appt. I've made prior to this one I've missed but I know I'm not ready for a baby and the would be father proves to me time and time again that I will be in this all by myself, he says everything I want to hear but his actions says the total opposite. As much as I want to keep my baby, I don't want to put my baby through the bullshit that I know lies ahead, I feel terrible, this is my first pregnancy as well as first abortion, it is the most difficult decision I've had to make my entire life. I feel I will regret this decision but I think I will regret having a baby by someone who does love me genuinely so I'm not sure if he would love our child, I fear he will be a deadbeat and I don't need that. I've learned from this mistake and shall never repeat it again
ReplyDeleteSo damn true and right on point!!'
ReplyDeleteI'm crying because I am going through this very thing right now is like u knew exactly what I'm going through. Wow
ReplyDeleteWow!!! I'm a 31 yr female, on birth control. Never pregnant. I paid for my lil cousin to get an abortion a few years back and it still bothers me. I kinda thing I will never have kids cuz I helped her. Ugh...anyway I used to be pro choice however I am now pro life. I found a website that shows the actual abortion. I cried and cried!! I will never judge anyone. Never!! I'm only sharing my views. www Abortionno dot org is the
ReplyDeletesite. It's very graphic so be careful.
My sentiments exactly. This just took me back to my moment.
ReplyDeleteThe tears wouldn't stop falling.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling... all too well! Maybe because I just went thru this FIVE days ago... and I could relate to everything you were saying. I keep thinking about what would have been, what could have been, and what SHOULD have been. SMH. Gotta shake this feeling.
:-(
I've never had an abortion, or been pregnant. However I've had plenty of friends who've had an abortion.I personally think its a hasty selfish decision based on fear. Extreme situations such as rape I understand though. But never once have I made them feel bad. I'm in no position to judge anyone. Now having MORE than one abortion is ridiculous. Like seriously?! Didn't you learn the first time? Birth control is free... condoms are free or cheap. So no excuse sorry. That's you being careless. I had a friend who had like 5 abortions in high school. I lost respect for her. Abortion isn't something that should be taken lightly. Make better choices.
ReplyDeleteI will never forget the day I told my childs father i was pregnant. He said he would support whatever decision i made but in the end he did his best to give me emotional hell throughout my whole pregancy. He acts as if he is father of the year to his other child but he is not apart of that childs life either. I havent recieved a DIME from him to support our son but its really not about the money. Like u stated in your blog my biggest fear is having to protect my child from a parent who doesnt want to be in their life. All the money in the world cant help a child deal with the feelings of neglect. Its okay to neglect me...im grown, ill eventually get over it but a child?! Some men will never understand the emotional turmoil that a woman goes through when thinking about or going through an abortion. Its not easy being a single mom but I will tell you this...if I had gone through with the abortion I would have been as good as dead...because my son gives me life.
ReplyDeleteFirst I'd like to commend the author and all of the other women that shared their story...it's sad that so many young women go through this EVERYDAY....it's an indescribable feeling of panic, failure, depression, excitement, and fear....like a lot of ladies that read this blog, I'm compelled to share my story. I was 16 the first time I got pregnant and although I knew I couldn't keep the child MY MOTHER was the person that made the decision for me. She knew that a silly 16 year old girl obsessed with drill team and football wasn't fit to be a mother. Today I'm grateful for my mother's foresight in that situation. After that I vowed to never go through that, no matter the situation....until I found myself a sophomore in college trapped in a physically, verbally and sometimes sexually abusive relationship.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day we all have our demons and we all make bad decisions, it's called being HUMAN...with that said, don't give the girl in the abortion clinic the side eye and say "I would NEVER!" because chances are you have probably (and will continue to) participated in the same reckless behavior that led to her sitting in that clinic.
Now that I am older and engaged, even though I'm not "ready" to have a child, frankly I'm too fucking old to be in a clinic looking for an abortion, but I always think twice and remember how I felt as a scared young girl before I "counsel" someone on what they should do with THEIR uterus.....
You are not the only person who thinks that. I always worry about not being able to have a child when I'm ready because of my abortion. Luckily I have been blessed that the man I'm with now is understanding of my choice and sees adoption as a real option in the future if that's the case
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard thing for us women. Im pregnant now with a 4 year old son i had when i was 19 .I didn't consider abortion then and now that im about to 24 I still. have a hard time making the decision to go through with an abortion. My son's father is not around. but i still love my child and ihave done everything i can for him. he brings me so much joy in life. With this pregnancy the father says he is not ready and while I respect his honesty I still can't respect myself if i kill this child
ReplyDeleteSo I maybe alone. But I know that I can make agood life for this child. My heart goes out to all the women who have had to go through this experience. im pro-choice and my choice is to keep it.
This is really on point. It hits every emotion right on the head. I know women who have had multiple abortions without a second thought, and I know women who have had them and been really depressed afterwards. I had one myself months ago, and though I know it was the right decision, it was still a hard one to make. Being that its not an issue that you want to talk about with alot of people, you sometimes feel like you're alone in the situation. Especially since a man will NEVER know what it feels like in your shoes. Its just good that you've used your voice to speak to these women.
ReplyDeleteReading this post brought back some emotional feelings that I thought were gone I'm not happy about the choice I made but it was the right decision
ReplyDeleteCutty, I'm in tears right now and it's been 11 months since I had mine. You took the words right out of my mouth. If only he knew or even cared what I felt when I was going through this shit ALONE. He didn't say he loved me after I told him. That told me everything smh
ReplyDeleteSo many tears just fell bc I thought this part of my past was healed and gone. Sometimes i have regret bc that was the FIRST man who showed me he loved me... So My 17 yr old mind thought. I just lost everything in a house fire so i moved with my dad... Who i thought had me back. To find out he was for self. I was a 17 yr old drop out takin care of my new bby sister, who my dad took frm her mom, but knew he wasnt capable of takin care of... I had 2 jobs takin care of a HOME for me & sister. To find out im Pregnant...well just say depressed wasnt the word... My boyfriend of 1 yr already had a crazy bm who hated us so deeply... so the pressure of him not wanting "my" baby made me feel like i couldnt bare anymore rejection........ This is so fuckin deep Cutty... It took me bck to 07 but im tryin to close this gap!
ReplyDeleteSaving this and giving it to my BF, this was me I'm 2005 and I STILL have resentment. 7 yrs and a miscarriage later I still reflect back to that moment in time., I have never expressed myself 100% . This is my closure.. Sheesh crazy how closure can come in an unexpected form... Thanx
ReplyDeletewow... this was on point!.... definitely my story smh
ReplyDeleteI had 2, and all I could say is I want my babies back..
ReplyDeleteI love this article. Crazy. I can only partially relate. Im Pregnant. Just graduated HS. With a 4.4 . Was accepted to UNC w a full ride, but chose a full ride to NCSU. Think id be smart enough to make him wrap it up. But it felt soooo good, & soooo right. He wants this baby. I do too. Just not yet. Not now. Im supposed to be on my way & my journey hit a speedbump.. one that's growing day by day.. literally. My.. BD is a.. hustler.. entrepreneur. You know? I threaten to kill it. He threatens to kill me. Im not ready. I miscarried w him back in November & i didnt feel the pain till mother's day. This pregnancy only reminds me of my fallen angel, yet IM NOT READY. my mind is just gone.
ReplyDeleteGreat article...All throughout life I always pry myself on being pro-life cuz I believe abortion is a form of murder especially if it's done more than once. I have never had an abortion but I have a close friend who had more than 10. The first time it happened to her, I understood why she needed to get the abortion but when I saw that it became a habit for her I became disgusted.
ReplyDeleteI am not here to judge anyone cuz I honestly don't believe everyone shares the same views as I do. We all have different situations and I cant judge you on a choice that u feel was the best thing for u. I respect your honesty and openness. I am pretty sure it has provided some comfort for a lot of girls who have been in your situation.
XOXO
after reading this it just feels right to tell my own story...like i assume everyone else felt. i had an abortion 3yrs ago come september 11th. i had just begun my freshman year of college and was in a whole different state far from my boyfriend and all of my family. i never believed in abortion. i literally would tell people "if i ever got pregnant too young, i'd kill myself because i can NOT get an abortion". but you really don't know what you'll do until you're dead smack in the middle of the situation. my boyfriend was really supportive, i'm lucky for that much. especially because with me being so far away we were trying to figure out if we even wanted to be together. the only good that came out of this was the certification of our relationship. 3 and a half years later we're still together. but the pain of knowing what you did, & not knowing what good could've come from your decision is enough to haunt you everyday, i don't wish this on anyone. just everyone please be careful, emotions aren't anything to play with, and a new life most certainly isn't either. you WILL regret it.
ReplyDeleteMy heart sank with each sentence... Never knew someone could have such a similar story. I had an abortion about a year ago-- He made it EXTREMELY clear he wasn't up for the daddy role for the 3rd time. In a mental fog ... I felt like I couldn't think. NOTHING MADE SENSE. Amongst tons of reasons NOT to have the abortion-- He made me feel as though I would be ruining his life had I gone through with the pregnancy. No one held a gun to my head but I felt somewhat Forced... Long story short-- I regret the day . should have gone with my instinct and kept my baby. There will never be a time where i'm at peace with the decision i've made.
ReplyDeleteWow Cutty.. Talk about hitting a nerve. I read this and busted out into tears. I just had a babygirl she is three months today in fact and it was so hard for me.. I almost had an abortion until a week before my appt my baby daddy told me "keep my baby" .. Yeah it was good to hear those words but it seems like he only said it cause he knew I wanted to keep it.. Hes completely not ready though.. It just really struck a nerve
ReplyDeletewow..this is soo true!!
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing a while back, it was really hard for me because I was extremly young but I'm thankful I had my cousin & aunt there for me. The 1st thing the guy told me when I revealed the news to him was 'don't fucking call my phone till you deal with THAT problem', I felt crushed b/c I felt disgusted with myself, ashamed & broken but I knew I couldnt keep my chid & I also told myself that I'd never put myself in that situation ever again & I also never spoke to that guy ever again, surprisingly tho... He's now a father to a daughter he had last year.
ReplyDeleteHardest thing ever </3 Almost 3 years have passed and I still cry
ReplyDeleteReading this STILL makes me relive those feelings and makes me remember why I resent him. This is EXACTLY how I feel every single time I think about that time of my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through this right now.. Thank you SO much for this post! Really made me open my eyes..
ReplyDeleteI have had one pregnancy and I have one child! I never thought about aborting her she is truly the best descision I ever made... I never knock nobody cuz I never know their personal situation but Tears came to my eyes at the end. Abortion is I am sure an emotional tug-o-war.. I couldnt imagine. what counts is that it makes u more responsible for your actions and that you dont use it like its a form of BIRTH CONTROL!
ReplyDeleteI was 15 yearls old when I had mine and I vowed to never have another one. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to get pregnant again at all because of my experience. I feel bad abd guilty to this day. But I know that it was bbest for me. My mom was a teen mom and struggled and me and my boyffriend at the time were in high school and had no money. Plus he started to become aggresive and physical with me so I knew I didn't want him around even if I had the baby. I actually decided to keep the baby at first then decided not to. The day I had it he was in new york and I called him that night and told him. He cried and since then our relationship hasn't been the same. I want nothing to do with him just because of the person he is. But I know one thing I will nevver have another abortion again. The experience definitely opened my eyes. Now I am on birth control. Not to be judgmental but I don't understand how women can have multiple abortions. Its wrong to have just 1 and you should think about women that can't have children but want them. I regret having my abortion but I know it was best. And for those that don't agree good for you. Dont be a hypocrite tho and do try to make other women feel bad because you could've been that girl and still could be that girl going through this sad and emotional experience.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the typos. I meant to write don't try to make other women feel bad*
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this, only because this is exactly how it went down for me. I got the whole "If you have this baby, then you lose me" speech...but I had already made up my mind that it was all bad timing...bad relationship, so I couldn't do that to a baby. I already had a teen son without a father. I almost wanted to have the baby just to spite him...cuz I saw that sonogram alone...and will forever be stuck with the guilt of my actions, alone. I left him after that & now continue to take my birth control correctly.
ReplyDeleteReading this is a form of birth control I NEVER wanna go through this thank u
ReplyDelete