He Chose Me

SO I wonder how many times he gonna have to say "sorry" for me to realize that this man doing the shit on "purpose"....Sorry is supposed to mean "I really didn't mean for it to happen, it wasn't my intention, I didn't realize what the outcome would be until it was too late, and I'm gonna make a CONSCIOUS effort to make sure it doesn't happen again".... But if you keep saying sorry for the SAME shit then I gotta realize, you really just don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself. I mean really...

Over the years I've had to check myself on all the things I LET happen to me. I should be apologizing to myself at this point. Its not even anyone else's fault beside mine for allowing me to be taken for granted, used, disrespected, embarrassed or hurt. And I'm writing about myself but for a lot of you, you will wonder if you are me.  For years I thought it was a privilege to be the girl he chose to call after the club...If I was the girl he would call after the club, I'd be happy... And if I wasn't the girl he called after the club, I'd be MAD. Wondering who he called after the club. Wondering who he chose to give that drunk lusty dick to at 3:45 am...... So let's say I get the call... I answer. "No I'm not sleep" (I was though), "I was tryna go to sleep but can't seem to" (I was actually in REM probably) "No its not too late/early for you to come" (it really fucking is though) "How long you gonna be" (do I got enough time to shit, shower and shave) "ok bye" *jumps out of bed, makes sure the house is clean, shit, shower shave, brush teeth lotion, light candles and put on lingerie like that's really what I fucking wear to bed" (but it aint)....... So fast foward 4:20am he's here...  And I'm happy...But a lot of the times when they drunk, his dick either can't get up or can't cum... So either way its pretty annoying. But I'm just happy he chose ME...  But before I know it its 6am... And I gotta get up to go to work... But he here sleep in my bed and now I don't wanna go to work... Bc if I leave then I don't get to spend no time with him...  But then if I don't go to work, then when he wake up, he gonna leave anyway. And might even ask "what happened last night"....  And yea I'll be insulted BUT he still CHOSE me at 3:45 am after the club...So after a while, I just started putting my phone on silent in the night. And there were a bunch of times that I “MISSED” the call... and would be slightly mad at myself about it... But when I thought about it... What did I REALLY miss though? 

 As the person being used, you have to break the cycle. No one is going to stop taking advantage of something that keeps hitting every time. If you keep getting a free can of soda out of a certain vending machine, are you going to change vending machines or milk that one til they finally fixed that shit? Oh. So yea, I finally decided, “Nah aint nobody calling me after the club.” I don't care who it is... And it be this type of dude that you don't even think twice to call upon if there's ever an emergency. Cuz you already “know what it is” between yall... So if I can't call you at 3am in the event that I need your help and know you'd come to my rescue... then NOPE, you can't call me for no pussy at 3am either. If I even have any apprehension of asking you for ANYTHING, I'm not giving you no pussy... And call it what you like, but I'm not wasting my “natural resource” on you to be the one you “chose”... I'm not gonna be grateful you chose me because you have other options... Cuz fact of the matter is that I might be the one you chose because I was the easiest choice. SO I wasn't “chosen” because I was the “best”, I might've been chosen because I was the “most convenient”... And I've had to realize that the most convenient things, cost the most money.