Thursday, July 5, 2012

Betrayal

I don't know why I would always ask him "Do you love me," because even if and when he replied "yes," it was still a lie.... Unbeknownst to him though. "Yes" would never be the truth because he didn't even know me. Everything he thought he knew, and liked, and loved about me was a facade. I loved him so much I made myself be who I had to be for him to like me, claim me, flaunt me, spoil me, love me, and come home to me at night. He wasn't even a perfect man but it was his way or no way. Although I was happy, I hated myself everyday for betraying myself. I sold my soul to stay in his good graces. And never did I need this man but I felt like I deserved him. But waking up everyday being someone else becomes tiring. It hurt me that only my disguise could make him as happy as it did. When he smiled at me, had sex with me, called me, it was all with a stranger. I hinted and warned him so many times that I was not who he thought I was, but that I just loved him enough to compromise. But in reality, I went far beyond compromise.... I stole someone else's identity. To him I was submissive. passive, naive, sheltered, trustworthy, patient, calm, emotional, and generous. But that was not even ME. I was a BEAST with a costume on. There were so many times my cover could have been blown but I liked my life as a character. But every time I looked in the mirror, I would be staring at the villain I truly was. I missed being me. Although not perfect, it was MUCH easier. I was tired of remembering my lies. I was tired of holding my tongue. I was tired of faking orgasms. I was tired of being the best actress with no Oscars to show for it. It killed me to say goodbye. And even until this very day, he doesn't know who I am but my life as an "alien" made me love and appreciate myself to an infinite power. I truly loved him for him though because I had to conform to his flaws. But his love for me was not real. He loved who I created for him. I miss us. I miss being in limbo. I did inception on him. I regret misleading him and I regret betraying myself. But I am now relieved that I have burned that mask and everyday when I wake up I can finally be who I was born. 
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14 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 5, 2012 at 8:54 AM

    Did you think if you were being you he would get up and leave you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Theory RepublicJuly 5, 2012 at 9:00 AM

    This was a good piece I like it, Theory Republic will be following

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gjhmhJanuary 28, 2019 at 8:00 AM

      AM SANDRA FROM CANADA, THANKS TO DR ONIHA WHO HELP ME BRING MY HUSBAND BACK, MY HUSBAND LEFT ME WITH THREE KIDS, FOR ANOTHER YOUNG GIRL, FOR OVER TWO YEARS, I TRIED ALL I COULD TO SETTLED OUR DIFFRENCES, BUT IT YIELDED NO RESULT, I WAS THE ONE TAKING CARE OF THE CHILDREN ALONE, UNTIL ONE DAY, I CAME IN CONTACT WITH SOME ARTICLES ONLINE, CONTAINING HOW DR ONIHA HAS HELP SO MANY LOVERS AND FAMILY REUNION AND REUNIT AGAIN, AND I DECIDED TO CONTACT HIM, AND HE CAST HIS SPELL ON MY HUSBAND, WITHIN FIVE DAYS, MY HUSBAND RAN BACK HOME, AND WAS BEGGING ME AND THE KIDS FOR FORGIVENESS, IN CASE YOU ARE PASSING THROUGH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, AND YOU WANTS TO CONTACT DR ONIHA, YOU CAN REACH HIM VIA HIS CONTACT NUMBER, ON CALL OR WHATSAP +2347089275769 OR EMAIL DRONIHASPELL@YAHOO.COM

      Delete
  3. Gemini GoddessJuly 5, 2012 at 9:33 AM

    Go to hell Cutty! I was her. I call her "Kylie". He loved her. I used to envy her because she had the love I wanted... thought I needed from him. It seemed like he was cheating on me with a woman that could give him what I couldn't. Man I was sleep. I woke up a year, a tattoo, & 4emails from passport cutty later. True story. Thk Goodness for the hoe cape & hoely Bible, I got saved. I'd never sacrifice my happiness to accommodate someone else's! MIDDLE FINGER TO THE OLD ME!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJuly 5, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    Wow Cutty!! This is chapter in my life's book!! I know how that feels and I no its tiring and can't ever be a fulfillment until you leave!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJuly 6, 2012 at 8:41 AM

    this is amazing i was just veting about this the other night i con=mpromied so much for a guy who still doesnt know the real me, in= made myself unhappy just to see him happ & i can relate 100%

    ReplyDelete
  6. JessJuly 9, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    I've done it, too. It's always best to be who you are even if that may not be who he would like you to be...because in the end, Man is truly never satisfied, and maybe they fakin' too. lol
    2Cute2Care_

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousJuly 10, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    This piece is amazing, it expressive and holds tremendous truth. But as an human being we strive to be things we are not at the present moment. If your brain thinks it up and you become it, than that is who you are. Just because you may not be happy with who you thought up and became, does not mean that is not the real you. It is exactly what you made up you became it, and if you don't like what you have become, than you change it.

    A person, relationship, environment or things does not define you. It is just an experience and that is called life. Its hard to let go of BS until you have an epiphany release, let go and leave. No one will know the real anyone, because even if they did they would not fully understand or appreciate you. As a person we all must take on other personality traits and characteristics for different circumstances. It is impossible to meet yourself, in another person. Possibly your match or someone similar but never identical. We tend to fall in love with illusions, lies and facades. Which all fall under the same categories. So adjusting one self is not betrayal it is survival of the most creative and intellectual beings, such as yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousJuly 10, 2012 at 8:33 PM

    Every female has at least 1 guy who takes her completely out if character.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousAugust 18, 2012 at 5:52 PM

    I got a Cutty Challenge........ POST YOUR STD RESULTS!!!!! RECENT! and the FULL REPORT!! BE REAL!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousAugust 18, 2012 at 7:07 PM

    Cutty, cutty, cutty......*sigh*
    I am her right now!!! I cry myself to sleep at night becaus im so angry with myself. I love him, im not in love with him. I love how im treated.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousAugust 23, 2012 at 10:04 PM

    I love this...Definitely can relate. I cant stand being #2 but i play the role for all the benefits including "love" but this role aint for me its the ,ost stressing hting ive ever done in life...ugh

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    This is exactly what my ex did. No lie, I was hurt by it in the end. Ultimately she put on the facade because she thought that was what I was looking for and she may have been right. But I never asked for her to compromise herself. We both lost in that relationship, her during it because she was pretending me in the end for being fooled.

    ReplyDelete
  13. gjhmhJanuary 28, 2019 at 8:00 AM

    AM SANDRA FROM CANADA, THANKS TO DR ONIHA WHO HELP ME BRING MY HUSBAND BACK, MY HUSBAND LEFT ME WITH THREE KIDS, FOR ANOTHER YOUNG GIRL, FOR OVER TWO YEARS, I TRIED ALL I COULD TO SETTLED OUR DIFFRENCES, BUT IT YIELDED NO RESULT, I WAS THE ONE TAKING CARE OF THE CHILDREN ALONE, UNTIL ONE DAY, I CAME IN CONTACT WITH SOME ARTICLES ONLINE, CONTAINING HOW DR ONIHA HAS HELP SO MANY LOVERS AND FAMILY REUNION AND REUNIT AGAIN, AND I DECIDED TO CONTACT HIM, AND HE CAST HIS SPELL ON MY HUSBAND, WITHIN FIVE DAYS, MY HUSBAND RAN BACK HOME, AND WAS BEGGING ME AND THE KIDS FOR FORGIVENESS, IN CASE YOU ARE PASSING THROUGH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, AND YOU WANTS TO CONTACT DR ONIHA, YOU CAN REACH HIM VIA HIS CONTACT NUMBER, ON CALL OR WHATSAP +2347089275769 OR EMAIL DRONIHASPELL@YAHOO.COM

    ReplyDelete

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