Thursday, July 5, 2012
I don't know why I would always ask him "Do you love me," because even if and when he replied "yes," it was still a lie.... Unbeknownst to him though. "Yes" would never be the truth because he didn't even know me. Everything he thought he knew, and liked, and loved about me was a facade. I loved him so much I made myself be who I had to be for him to like me, claim me, flaunt me, spoil me, love me, and come home to me at night. He wasn't even a perfect man but it was his way or no way. Although I was happy, I hated myself everyday for betraying myself. I sold my soul to stay in his good graces. And never did I need this man but I felt like I deserved him. But waking up everyday being someone else becomes tiring. It hurt me that only my disguise could make him as happy as it did. When he smiled at me, had sex with me, called me, it was all with a stranger. I hinted and warned him so many times that I was not who he thought I was, but that I just loved him enough to compromise. But in reality, I went far beyond compromise.... I stole someone else's identity. To him I was submissive. passive, naive, sheltered, trustworthy, patient, calm, emotional, and generous. But that was not even ME. I was a BEAST with a costume on. There were so many times my cover could have been blown but I liked my life as a character. But every time I looked in the mirror, I would be staring at the villain I truly was. I missed being me. Although not perfect, it was MUCH easier. I was tired of remembering my lies. I was tired of holding my tongue. I was tired of faking orgasms. I was tired of being the best actress with no Oscars to show for it. It killed me to say goodbye. And even until this very day, he doesn't know who I am but my life as an "alien" made me love and appreciate myself to an infinite power. I truly loved him for him though because I had to conform to his flaws. But his love for me was not real. He loved who I created for him. I miss us. I miss being in limbo. I did inception on him. I regret misleading him and I regret betraying myself. But I am now relieved that I have burned that mask and everyday when I wake up I can finally be who I was born.