If You Only Knew....

Ok I get it..... Just cuz you're fucking me raw doesn't mean you want me to have your child........ Ok I get it, I was partly responsible too........ Ok I get it, I shoulda suggested or inquired about a condom....... And yea I can admit...... I knew I didn't want you to use one anyway....... And yea I can admit .......... that this aint the best situation for either of us right now........ BUT YOU shouldn't had acted like you didn't mind me getting pregnant when you was cummin in me. We're BOTH to blame. But yea I can admit ......... that maybe I just like the thought of being tied to you forever because of how I feel NOW! Even though "FOREVER" and "NOW" are on two opposite ends of the spectrum....... BUT...... Just understand THIS......  I aint a robot.... Don't ship me off to the abortion clinic like I'm not human...  So what I don't want a child right now anyway, do you KNOW how bad it feels for someone who helped you make it tell you they don't want one? DON'T suggest me to get rid of it... I was gonna anyway... BUT DON'T encourage me....  And the only reason I'm gonna get rid of it is because I understand that I'd only be hurting myself by tryna prove a point to you. BUT don't you DARE suggest it... If you ONLY knew how it feels to be in my position...Waiting for this period that I KNOW is late but I'm in such denial that I'm blaming it on stress, the weather, the price of gas...... And I'm cramping so I'm telling myself that the shit is about to come but now I'm two weeks late and that shit is STILL MISSING...  So now I'm too cheap to buy the $20 pregnancy test but swear these THREE .99 cent ones are wrong cuz they say "positive".... And it can't be right cuz they're only .99 cents....  So now how the hell do I tell YOU? I'm just scared of your response... Cuz I've heard some horror stories.... Don't nobody wanna hear "you keeping it?" " Is it mine?" "Shit!" "Fuck" " I aint ready for a baby" " How you got pregnant?" " I thought you was on birth control"  "Don't tell nobody"...... Not that I want you to seem happy about it and lay the guilt trip on me... Mannnnn I don't know what I want you to say... I guess just say you'll be there for me and with me no matter the decision. That'll feel a lot better. But I guess you shouldn't even say that if you really don't mean it.... Mannn. I don't know what I want you to say.  And the crazy part about it is that pregnancy is so mental... The minute you KNOW for sure, all the symptoms are maximized... Nauseas, sharp pains, tender breasts, hunger, cravings, etc...  So now you're thinking I'm over exaggerating my "condition" but now that I know, its natural for me to feel like a "Mommy." And the crazy part about it is that you being too nice to me makes me wanna keep it.. And you being too mean to me makes me wanna keep it... Cuz you rubbing my belly makes me feel close to you... Or you telling me it aint yours makes me wanna prove it to you.  But regardless of what, I feel like WE have a BOND together. And even though I don't want to keep it, I don't wanna let go of this tie to you...  but you definitely don't feel the same way.... BUT my friends will never know that because ima tell them you're cool with me being pregnant cuz they're not about to make me look stupid for staying with you after you encouraged me to get an abortion.........

So now I'm in the abortion clinic.... Starving cuz I couldn't eat since last night... The girl sitting next to me on the right is crying her eyes out...... The man across the room got watery eyes....  The girl going in the bathroom got a full blown stomach.... And all of these people are reminding me of why I'm here and I'm second guessing everything now. I really DON'T want to be here... And whether YOU are there or not, YOU are not going inside... And even though I don't want this baby.... I hate that I feel like I'm letting YOU off easy... But in reality... You'll never really feel what I'm feeling so tryna prove a point to you, is only hurting myself... And I keep saying it because I have to keep reminding myself of it. Cuz the BITCH in me wants to keep it just to make you be just as stressed as me... But the WOMAN in me knows that a baby don't keep a man. And its sad because seeing that sonogram makes me wanna see what our child is gonna look like... But seeing the sonogram lets me know how real this is and its just not the best thing for me right now. Cuz if you decide to leave me or die... I don't wanna do this alone... So ima go through with this because I'm actually tryna protect my child from a certain life... And even though I can't protect them from everything... Ima protect them from parents that didn't want them...  And its hurts cuz this is permanent and no matter if I have 10 kids afterwards, I'm never gonna know what THIS one looks like or could have been... But ima just pray that I'm responsible enough to NEVER make this mistake again... And from here on out, I'm ONLY having sex with someone I can see myself having a child with... Cuz I aint coming back to the abortion clinic.... NEVER.... EVER....  

Side Chick Speaks

1) Stop telling me how innocent and faithful your wife/baby mama/ girlfriend is....... How the FUCK would you know when your ass running behind me? If your cheating, why can't she be? *don't worry, I'll wait* 

2) The more rules you give me, the more I'm gonna break them. So don't subject me to any. I know what I got myself into, I'll handle it accordingly as long as you are respecting me.

3) Don't fuck me raw and expect me to get an abortion cuz I knew you had someone already..... So did you... 

4) If you don't respect her, why should I? So if she calls my phone, yes I'm cursing her ass out. I may not blow up what we got going on but yes I am gonna ask "fuck you calling my phone for?" 

5) Why is it that I know you got someone but I'm supposed to stay faithful to you? *dying to hear this*

6) Don't introduce me to your kids at all if you gonna stop bringing them around the minute they go back and tell their mama about me.

7) STOP talking to me about her... Good or bad... I don't give a fuck... Well I don't WANNA give a fuck but the more info you give out, the more curiosity is gonna kill MY CAT! Now I wanna put a face to the story... 

8) Don't tell me you can't do something because of her... By you telling me she is the reason, its almost like your tryna remind me to be content with something that I'm not really comfy with at ALL... So don't throw it in my face that you can't go to dinner with me bc you promised her you'd be home at 8 tonight... Do not give me the opportunity to be jealous because bad thoughts go a LONG way. 

9) I signed up for the ONE person I knew you were with.... Where'd the fuck these other hoes come from?  That ain't in my agreement... Really?

10) As much as I don't wanna know what's going on between yall....  If she gets pregnant......uhm, yea....that's one thing I wanna know!!!! 

He Chose Me

SO I wonder how many times he gonna have to say "sorry" for me to realize that this man doing the shit on "purpose"....Sorry is supposed to mean "I really didn't mean for it to happen, it wasn't my intention, I didn't realize what the outcome would be until it was too late, and I'm gonna make a CONSCIOUS effort to make sure it doesn't happen again".... But if you keep saying sorry for the SAME shit then I gotta realize, you really just don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself. I mean really...

Over the years I've had to check myself on all the things I LET happen to me. I should be apologizing to myself at this point. Its not even anyone else's fault beside mine for allowing me to be taken for granted, used, disrespected, embarrassed or hurt. And I'm writing about myself but for a lot of you, you will wonder if you are me.  For years I thought it was a privilege to be the girl he chose to call after the club...If I was the girl he would call after the club, I'd be happy... And if I wasn't the girl he called after the club, I'd be MAD. Wondering who he called after the club. Wondering who he chose to give that drunk lusty dick to at 3:45 am...... So let's say I get the call... I answer. "No I'm not sleep" (I was though), "I was tryna go to sleep but can't seem to" (I was actually in REM probably) "No its not too late/early for you to come" (it really fucking is though) "How long you gonna be" (do I got enough time to shit, shower and shave) "ok bye" *jumps out of bed, makes sure the house is clean, shit, shower shave, brush teeth lotion, light candles and put on lingerie like that's really what I fucking wear to bed" (but it aint)....... So fast foward 4:20am he's here...  And I'm happy...But a lot of the times when they drunk, his dick either can't get up or can't cum... So either way its pretty annoying. But I'm just happy he chose ME...  But before I know it its 6am... And I gotta get up to go to work... But he here sleep in my bed and now I don't wanna go to work... Bc if I leave then I don't get to spend no time with him...  But then if I don't go to work, then when he wake up, he gonna leave anyway. And might even ask "what happened last night"....  And yea I'll be insulted BUT he still CHOSE me at 3:45 am after the club...So after a while, I just started putting my phone on silent in the night. And there were a bunch of times that I “MISSED” the call... and would be slightly mad at myself about it... But when I thought about it... What did I REALLY miss though? 

 As the person being used, you have to break the cycle. No one is going to stop taking advantage of something that keeps hitting every time. If you keep getting a free can of soda out of a certain vending machine, are you going to change vending machines or milk that one til they finally fixed that shit? Oh. So yea, I finally decided, “Nah aint nobody calling me after the club.” I don't care who it is... And it be this type of dude that you don't even think twice to call upon if there's ever an emergency. Cuz you already “know what it is” between yall... So if I can't call you at 3am in the event that I need your help and know you'd come to my rescue... then NOPE, you can't call me for no pussy at 3am either. If I even have any apprehension of asking you for ANYTHING, I'm not giving you no pussy... And call it what you like, but I'm not wasting my “natural resource” on you to be the one you “chose”... I'm not gonna be grateful you chose me because you have other options... Cuz fact of the matter is that I might be the one you chose because I was the easiest choice. SO I wasn't “chosen” because I was the “best”, I might've been chosen because I was the “most convenient”... And I've had to realize that the most convenient things, cost the most money. 

Vagina Plans

Whether you know it or not, YOU are on a “Vagina Plan” with someone... Here are 20 common plans that you may be on right now. If you don't like the “plan” that you are on, then you can upgrade, downgrade or cancel your contract.

“Data Only” Plan - Media Sex … Skype sex, nasty texts, naked pics, nude videos but no sex... You two are “sexters” - COST: The price of your own phone bill

“Evening and Weekend” Plan – After the club sex about 1 or 2 times a month – COST: Condom, Cab Fare or Ride to work in the morning.

“Sugar Daddy” Plan – Sex whenever she gets scared that you're going to cut her off for holding out. Must be 45+ yrs old. COST: Most of her bills, tuition, leisure activities.

“Hush” Plan – Man has a girlfriend, baby mama, or wife. You two have sex on a regular basis. COST: Whatever she asks for so she can STFU to his main woman.

“Broke Dick Vacation” Plan – Man doesn't have any money to share with you or support you but has EXCELLENT sex. COST: Free for 30 days, then get rid of him.

“Maintenance Man” Plan – The girl is in a relationship but calls “him” to get “fixed” (dick). COST: She is tricking on “him”

“Bastard” Plan- You are with a man who is a dog but you “LOVE” him. COST: Heartache, Tears, No friends, no family,

“Baby Daddy” Plan- Still fucking her baby daddy in hopes of becoming a family one day or again. COST: No child support/take care of her bills n child alone.

“Off Limits” Plan- Nobody is supposed to know yall are fucking and if you tell, they'll deny it. COST: An ASS whooping, JOB loss, gas to go to further places and/or hotel fees.

“Oral Plan” - Never have sex, just give head. COST: Herpes.

“Pay Pal” Plan- A FRIEND that you don't have sex with.  You are taking their kindness for weakness because they offer you money or to pay for stuff for you. (BECAUSE they LIKE you) COST: Burnt Bridge

“Sweet n Low Daddy” Plan – Not together at all. Don't have constant contact. Yall get together for date and/or sex. COST: Free entertainment for you and sometimes friends. And occasional financial help here or there.

“Passport Cutty” Plan – Flies you out to hang out and fuck. COST: Flight, hotel, all expense paid stay including entertainment, shopping, food and cash to go back home with.

“Full House” - He got kids, You got kids...Yall live together. You're happy to have a man/family. COST- Your Sanity

“3some” Plan- You get called to be the 3^rd party. COST: Prices may vary depending on your pussy

“Cinderella” Plan – He is your prince charming and you think you are HAPPY. COST: Waking up and it all being a dream! Lol

“No baggage” Plan- You and him were single with no kids and now you are in a healthy relationship together. COST: Brushing off the haters.

“Check” Plan- He pays you to fuck. COST: Depends on your rate.

“Throwback” Plan- Fucking your ex. COST: Being in Limbo.

“Illusionist” Plan- Things are going GREAT. You are in “LIKE, LUST and “LOVE” for anywhere between 1 week and 3 months and then POOF, he falls back or disappears. COST: Suicide